


Sum quod sum (I am what I am)

by Scyllaya



Series: Numinous [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:50:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scyllaya/pseuds/Scyllaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is investigating, but Dean had enough of his brother’s behavior. When things go downhill Gabriel is there to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Part One

 

'You're taking things too far Sam,'  the younger Winchester could hear the disapproving tone in Bobby's voice, but it didn't stop him this time.

'Just open the e-mail I sent you,' Sam told him over the phone, while he grabbed a few water bottles from the aisle. There was a bit of silence from the other line.

'What is this?' Bobby asked.

'This is why I told you I was onto something, see the map?'

'Yes,' Sam held the map in his hand, the one he photographed and sent to the older hunter.

'See the three corners of the triangle?' Sam asked. 'I just realized it yesterday after I caught up with Dean,' Sam explained. 'The three corners? The first is Worthington, Minnesota, three dead men, the second's Loose Creek, Missouri where three young women died and the third is   the last hunt La Crosse, Kansas where three children went missing.'

'Weren't these your cases?' Bobby asked.

'The first was. Dean went solo on the other two.'

'So what are you saying?'

'These are the cases Gabriel was involved with' Sam explained.

'Sam—'

'No, Bobby hear me out. Three men, three women, three children, along with the locations, it can't be a coincidence.'

'How?' Bobby asked. 'The women in Loose Creek were killed by a human, not anything supernatural.'

'Yeah, that's what Gabriel said,' Sam answered.

'You really think he has something to do with this? What about the last case, where the kids went missing, what did Dean tell you about it?'

'That's just it Bobby!' answered Sam. 'I basically can't get a thing out of him. All he said was that “It was taken care of” and he says nothing else.'

‘You sure you asked it the right way?’ Bobby asked and Sam knew what he meant.

‘You mean did I piss him off before asking? No.’ Sam huffed into the phone.

‘Okay,’ Bobby sounded positively doubtful. ‘Did you tell him about this?’ he asked then.

‘Like that’s even possible,’ Sam said as he rolled his eyes. ‘The second Gabriel’s name leaves my mouth he won’t listen to a thing I say and stares at me like he wants to beat me up.’

‘And whose fault is that?’ asked Bobby. ‘You heard about the boy and the wolf? You shouted “two-faced archangel” just too damn many times now.’ Sam was frustrated.

‘Okay, I screwed it up, but look at the damn map and say it’s a coincidence,’ Sam insisted.

‘Fine,’ Bobby agreed finally. ‘I ask around see if I can dig up something, but Sam don’t do anything hasty,’ the older hunter warned.

‘I won’t,’ Sam promised while he reached the gas station counter and stood behind an old lady.  ‘At this point Dean will need unquestionable hard proof to believe a word I say.’ He heard as Bobby sighed on the other side of the line.

‘I’ll look around,’ he said again. ‘But unlike you I really hope you’re wrong.’

‘Call me if you found something,’ was all Sam said before he hung up as he reached the counter and put everything down for the cashier to count and told him to add the gas they tanked to the bill too. He glanced outside where Dean already finished filling up the Impala and now he was casually leaning against the side of it looking down onto his phone with an almost grin. Sam clenched his jaw, because he just knew which feathery bastard was texting his brother usually.

‘Please tell me you didn’t sink to the cute texts level,’ he said as he arrived.

‘Shut it,’ Dean replied as he climbed back into the car.

‘No seriously, if you’re texting him that you miss him or something, I’m going to tie you to a chair and perform an exorcism.’

‘Well, right now I’m telling him that you’re being a little bitch again,’ Dean answered and he was typing on his phone. ‘And if you keep it up I’m gonna give him permission for minor physical harm too.’

‘Too?’ Sam asked in disbelief as Dean finally put his phone into his pocket and started the car. ‘Are you telling me that you gave him permission to other kind of harm already?’ he asked, because he must’ve misunderstood that. Dean couldn’t possibly…

‘Yeah, well don’t piss off the trickster Sammy and you’ll be just fine,’ his brother told him almost cheerfully.

‘That’s reassuring,’ he said.

‘You were pushing it, so suck it up,’ Dean said as he drove out of the gas station.

xxx

Dean really thought that Sam was finally coming around slowly, but he should’ve known better than that. He took the bit about the texting as a good sign, it sounded almost like teasing and that definitely would’ve been good.  It also has been quite a while since Sam really started to argue about Gabriel. That all put Dean in a good mood; well up until the point where Sam started asking him about La Crosse.

‘I told you that everything was taken care of,’ Dean told him. It’s not like he wanted to keep his brother out of the loop, but… no actually he really wanted to keep Sam out of the whole thing, for now.

‘That’s all? I ask you about a case and that’s all you say? What happened to the missing children? What was the creature that did it? How did you kill it? That’s usually what you tell when you talk about a case, not that “It was taken care of”.’

And Sam definitely started to look pissed; Dean took a deep breath and went to get a beer. He only answered when he swallowed a few large gulps of the cold drink.

‘It was… a pagan… deity or demi-god or something, but everything’s fine now,’ he said.

‘Fine,’ Sam repeated.

‘Why the hell are you so curious about it?’ Dean asked.

‘Because you’re being suspiciously silent about it,’ Sam replied.

‘Fine!’ Dean growled. ‘Gabriel took care of it, that’s why I don’t know the details. I figured you don’t actually want to hear that besides a little questioning and research I had nothing to do but eat awesome food, and have really mind-blowing sex a few times a day. That’s the big secret, happy now?’ He spread his arms and hoped he supplied with a good explanation. Sam just kept looking at him.

‘So you didn’t actually see him kill it?’ he asked. Dean slammed down the beer bottle to the table with a hard knock; because that tone was exactly he had enough of. That accusing, calculating way Sam questioned every single thing Gabriel did, not even for a second trying to accept it, not even considering it.

‘You know what Sam?’ he started and he felt as the coiled up tension Sam’s behavior caused started to erupt, as anger and hurt started to surface from where it was buried. ‘I told Gabriel more than once that if it really came down to it, if things turned that bad I would choose you, because how could I not choose you,’ he smiled, but it was just a grimace, a smile that was nothing but pure anger and it was threatening to turn into violence, and judging by Sam’s expression his brother knew it well. ‘What did he do? He went practically out of his way not to piss you off; he tolerated all of your bullshit, without really saying a word or laying a finger on you, because I asked him to. And you! I was practically begging you for fuck’s sake! To stop it, to act decent with him just a little, to stop arguing with me, but no! Not even for a second! None of it Sam! Not for one fucking second did you try’ he shook his head. ‘And you know what I actually think now? That I am really this fucking stupid and self-destructing, that still even seeing this I don’t let myself think that I could choose differently. But I am wondering Sam, am I really that stupid? To push away someone who cares, for someone who just doesn’t actually give a fuck.’

‘I’m doing this for you Dean!’ Sam argued, cutting in finally.

‘How? How is this for me?’

‘He’s not good for you Dean. He’s planning something and he’s using you for that, I just know it!’

Dean laughed painfully; it almost felt like his brother was clawing up his insides at this point.

‘I’m not listening to this,’ he said. ‘You fucking tore apart my life with Lisa and Ben, smashed everything I started to feel was mine in a blink of an eye. And now you want to destroy this too? I don’t even know Sam, the only way you feel comfortable with the way we live if I’m drinking myself unconscious every night miserably, nightmares just barely kept in check. Because that’s… that’s real good Sam, I guess that’s everything I deserve in the end.’

‘I did it?’ asked Sam after a long silence and his voice was only an uncertain whisper. ‘I tore you and Lisa apart?’ And fuck, Dean again spoke before he thought about it. He was angry, but he never wanted to blame Sam for the things he did while he didn’t have a soul.

‘Sam--’

‘You said it didn’t work out, but I did it!’

‘It wasn’t you, I shouldn’t have said that,’ Dean told him.

‘Why would I do that? How could I possibly do that?’ and Dean noticed as Sam’s face darkened with guilt, he was looking at a random spot on the carpet, his mind obviously racing.

‘Sam no, stop it! It wasn’t like that, forget about it!’

‘Vampires,’ Sam said suddenly and he looked up and locked his eyes on Dean, realization dawning on his face, and that shit was just not good. ‘The nest… the…’

‘Stop it, Sam!’ Dean warned.

‘The alpha… we needed info… I let you get turned!’ he said with a horrified expression on his face. ‘Just to get intel, fuck!’ he ran his fingers through his hair.

‘Sam! Enough!’ Dean stepped closer, but Sam stepped back.

‘How could I use you like that? You could have been killed… fuck… you almost hurt them… all for a hunt… Samuel’s hunt… the alpha… Crowley,’ his breathing was heavy now and he was looking around in the room frantically, like a caged animal looking for an escape. Like being in the same room with Dean was suffocating him, like he expected everything to crush down on him.

‘Sam cut it out!’ Dean yelled at his brother, managing to catch his arm and shake him, but Sam didn’t look at him.

‘His bones burned,’ Sam said distantly and the next few seconds for Dean were like watching a car crash without him being able to do anything. Sam felt silent for a moment, just staring at nothing, and then he started to scream. He fell to his knees as Dean was not able to catch him properly.

‘Sam!!’ he called him, but he got no reaction. ‘Cas! Gabriel!’ he shouted instead, while his brother crumbled in his arms to the ground.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

Gabriel arrived first, but Castiel was in the motel room a second later as well. Dean wasn’t really aware which one of the angels sent his brother into unconsciousness, but he let Sam get taken away from his arms as he was hauled onto the bed.

‘What happened?’ Castiel asked, but Dean was still shaky and he just kept staring at the now calm-looking Sam.

‘Dean!’ Gabriel grabbed his arm and that was enough to ground him and snap him back into reality.

‘We argued,’ he started. ‘I said something… and then he remembered it, he kept remembering things… and then he just…’ he stopped, he felt as if something clenched his chest and he had to stop and take a few deep breaths.

Castiel leaned down above Sam and put a hand on his forehead, his brows furrowed and he looked pained when he raised his head to look first at Dean then at Gabriel.

‘It’s the wall, isn’t it?’ Dean asked. ‘I triggered something and now he’s…’

‘Not your fault, Dean,’ Gabriel said.

‘How the hell is it now my fault?!’ he asked as he yanked his arm out of Gabriel’s hand. ‘I caused it with what I said.’ Gabriel looked at him for a second with a thoughtful expression on his face.

‘Fine. Say it’s your fault, but panicking and guilt tripping won’t solve anything, focus so we can fix it,’ he said and Dean was taken aback for a second, but then he snapped out of it.

‘Okay,’ he agreed. ‘How do we fix it?’ he asked. And it was astonishing how Gabriel’s harsher words woke him up like a cold shower and the choking quilt and worry was subdued and morphed into determination.

Gabriel walked over to the bed too giving Sam a once-over.

‘What exactly did Death say about this wall?’ he asked.

‘It’s put up to keep the damaged part of his soul and the memories separated from the rest of his mind,’ Dean said and he hoped he gave an accurate enough description. Gabriel nodded and turned to his brother.

‘You read his soul, got a glimpse of his psyche too, right? Is it just separated or suppressed? Is it overlaid or faded too maybe?’ Dean had no idea where Gabriel was going, but Castiel was thinking hard.

‘Only separated, thus faded too,’ Cas answered after a few seconds. ‘But we’re talking about memories of over a century Gabriel, on his very soul. I don’t think they can be suppressed completely.’

‘Who’s the archangel again?’ Gabriel asked him.

‘What are you gonna do?’ asked Dean.

‘Well assuming it’s really that wall that cracked, and I don’t see any other reason why this could happen, I think I can do some renovations so to speak, maybe putting some extra reinforcement on that wall too while I’m at it.’

‘You can do that?’ Dean asked. ‘But if the wall can be better, why didn’t Death do that? Did he want it to come down?’ the hunter was starting to get angry, was this some kind of a plan on Death’s part again?

‘Death may be someone really-really… really powerful, but manipulating memories is not in his primary job description, angels on the other hand,’ Gabriel explained.

‘So you can fix it?’ Dean asked and he couldn’t suppress the hopeful tone in his voice.

‘Probably,’ Gabriel answered. ‘But your brother would not want me anywhere near his mind I presume.’

‘He’s not actually in the condition to complain,’ Dean answered right away. ‘Do it.’

Gabriel sat down onto the bed next to where Sam way lying.

‘Castiel,’ the other angel was at the side of the bed. ‘Keep him unconscious while I do this, it’ll minimize the pain,’ he said and Cas nodded.

Even still all wired up with concern Dean felt a trace of warmth that Gabriel thought of that too. Castiel put his palm on Sam’s forehead and then Gabriel laid his hand on his chest. Dean expected him to sink his arm into his chest like Cas did, but the archangel only spread his fingers and closed his eyes. Sam’s body tensed when light appeared under Gabriel’s palm, but he stayed unconscious and soundless. His skin lit up from the inside, like he was about to burst into flames. Dean could do nothing but stand and watch in worry, but he didn’t make a sound.

Then Gabriel raised his other hand and Castiel drew back his hand and stepped back immediately. Gabriel put his hand on Sam’s forehead and a second later Sam’s eyes opened wide as his body tensed immediately. Dean wanted to rush to him but stayed on his spot. Gabriel didn’t let go and Sam’s eyes closed again as his body relaxed. When Gabriel opened his eyes and let go of him he looked like he was sleeping peacefully. There was silence for a few long moments.

‘Did it work?’ Dean asked. Gabriel stood up.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Almost definitely,’ the first wash of relief went through Dean’s body but he was not completely relaxed yet.

‘Then why is he still unconscious?’ he asked.

‘He needs rest; this was exhausting for his body and mind. It’s best if we wait and let him wake up naturally. Maybe it’ll take only a few minutes, but it could be a few hours,’ the archangel explained.

‘But he’s gonna be fine then?’ Dean asked again to be sure.

‘Yes Dean, he’ll be fine after he wakes up,’ Gabriel said and he had a tiny reassuring smile on his face. Dean breathed out in relief and without any care to the world or anything Cas still standing in the room not withstanding he closed the distance between them and draped his body over the archangel’s in a crushing hug.

‘Thank you,’ he breathed, while his arms tightened around the obviously surprised Gabriel. And Dean of course knew that the emotional rollercoaster of the past hour or so was finally taking its toll since he was obviously shaken and drained, but he was at the moment glad and relieved. And Gabriel just fixed everything and Sammy would be fine and Dean had no idea how he could thank him.

He let go of him after a minute or so and then just looked down on his face, but he had no words to say.

‘You definitely need to calm down now,’ Gabriel said with an easy smile and Dean huffed out a laugh. ‘So just sit down, have a beer and relax, I don’t wanna sense anything remotely close to negative emotion while I’m away, comprende?’

‘What, you’re not gonna stay?’ Dean asked with a frown. Gabriel sighed.

‘I would, but I really don’t think I should be among the first things your brother sees when he wakes up,’ he explained. Dean wanted to complain, but stayed silent after he thought about it. ‘I’m sure Castiel can stay for a while if he’s not busy,’ the archangel looked at his brother.

‘There is nothing urgent I need to attend to,’ the angel confirmed with a nod.

‘There! Company, check,’ Gabriel said with a smile. ‘And I catch you later, m’kay?’ he added.

‘Sure thing,’ and Dean was even able to return the smile, Gabriel was gone from the room in the next second.

‘You want a beer Cas?’ Dean asked after a moment of silence.

xxx

Two hours later Sam was still asleep, but it did not make Dean worried. It did help that he had company, so he was glad that Castiel could stay.

‘Did we ever do this before?’ Dean asked suddenly after finishing his previous train of thoughts.

‘What do you mean?’ asked the angel.

‘Y’know, this. Just sitting and talking without an impending apocalypse, an ongoing apocalypse, a heavenly war or a suicide mission on the side.’

‘I doubt it,’ Cas answered as he finished his current beer. ‘But then again we became acquainted because of the Apocalypse.’

‘Okay, then it was about time I guess,’ Dean said.

‘Gabriel probably thought the same,’ Cas told him.

‘Meaning?’

‘I think he had more than one reason to leave,’ the angel said. ‘He thinks I don’t spend enough time among humans.’

‘You guys talk often?’ Dean asked then. Castiel nodded.

‘Very. He claims that I’m the only angel he can remotely stand, and even I’m still undereducated in human ways.’ Dean chuckled. ‘But I think he enjoys remedying that way too much.’

‘But he’s right man. Your social skills and pop culture knowledge is only slightly better than that of a broomstick’s,’ he grinned.

‘He can get enthusiastic about seemingly small things, it’s amusing,’ Cas continued. ‘He often reminds me of you in that regard.’ And that made Dean laugh a little.

‘Yeah we’re pretty alike, huh?’ he asked with a smile.

‘Even more so than before,’ Castiel said. ‘I think he pays attention to me because he tries to be a better brother.’

‘Really?’ Cas nodded.

‘You’re good for him,’ Cas looked down onto his empty beer bottle then he locked his eyes on Dean. ‘You remember that I told him that I would not hesitate to harm him, or trying to do so in any case, if he ever hurt you the way he did again?’

‘Yeah I remember,’ smiled Dean.

‘I feel I should tell you that the sentiment is valid in your case too.’

Dean grinned after he wrapped his head around Cas’ words.

‘Did you just tell me that you would kick my ass if I hurt your brother?’ he asked.

‘Yes,’ confirmed the angel with a very serious expression which just made Dean smile again.

‘That is most definitely not something I’ve ever expected to hear from you,’ he said.

‘I understand that he loves you, and that it is customary that I, as his brother, make threats of physical violence on his behalf to show that I care for his well-being in such a case,’ Castiel explained, and that really made Dean laugh.

‘You got that right,’ he nodded as he emptied his bottle too with a final swing. ‘He told you that?’ he asked then.

‘That I am to make threats or that he loves you?’ Castiel asked.

‘The latter,’ Dean said.

‘No, but he did tell me that you make him want to be someone better, and I believe that is the very same thing.’ Cas stayed silent for a second and then his eyes widened slightly as he looked up at Dean again. ‘Don’t tell him I told you that!’ he asked.

‘Aw, this is perfect blackmail material,’ Dean smirked and Cas rolled his eyes in annoyance. ‘He’s doing real great educating you in all this stuff,’ Dean added.

‘I’m sure he will regret it after today,’ Cas answered a barely there smile present on his lips.

‘Don’t worry about it, you’re doing awesome. Little brothers are meant to be annoying,’ his smile turned a bit down as he glanced at the still sleeping Sam.

‘Your argument,’ Castiel started. ‘Was about Gabriel again.’ Not a question.

‘I’m starting to think that he won’t ever stop hating him,’ Dean said.

‘I’m sure Sam is merely concerned about your well-being,’ Cas said.

‘I know, but it would be great if he tried to see that I am already well.’

‘You love Gabriel’ Castiel said, not a question again.

‘Yeah,’ Dean breathed and he could not hide the smile that formed on his lips just saying it.

‘Sam will see that too, in time,’ the angel told him, and Dean really hoped he would be right.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Part Three

Several times did Bobby try to call the younger Winchester, but the phone still just rang and rang and no one picked up. Normally he would’ve called Dean, but this time it was not an option.

‘Dammit, Sam,’ Bobby cursed as he picked up the phone again to dial the number. After the first ring he heard the sound of a ringtone from behind his back and he froze.

‘The number you’re trying to reach is currently not available, please try again,’ he heard a cheerful voice tell him, he put the phone down and slowly turned around.

‘Gabriel,’ he greeted.

‘I say this must be something really important,’ the archangel said. ‘You tried to call Sam,’ he looked down onto the phone in his hand. ‘At least a dozen times in the past hour,’ he whistled. ‘So what’s the rush?’ he asked as he slipped the cell into his jacket-pocket.

‘I’d rather tell Sam that personally,’ Bobby told him.

‘Yeah, like I said, he’s not exactly available at the moment so… why don’t you leave him a message?’

‘What did you--’ he got interrupted.

‘Nothing, sheesh,’ rolled his eyes Gabriel dramatically. ‘Sammy boy just managed to kick on that wall in his head a bit too much so I had to do some quick damage-control, he’s sleeping it off now, thus the reason he’s not available at the moment.’

‘Okay,’ Bobby nodded slowly. ‘I tell him later then,’ he said.

‘You sure? Because from the amount of calls I sure thought it was urgent, you really don’t want to pass it on? I mean, who could be a better messenger than I am after all,’ he grinned. ‘And maybe it’s something that your friendly neighborhood archangel should know about,’ he added then.

‘It’s not,’ Bobby replied.

‘Really?’ Gabriel asked with heavy skepticism in his voice. ‘Well, call me crazy, but I have this deep seated suspicion that it has something to do with the e-mail he sent you.’ He kept silent for a moment or two, but Bobby didn’t react. ‘Yeah, I checked his mailbox, I play dirty I know, but can you blame me?’ he shrugged. He started walking closer looking down onto the books and papers scattered on Bobby’s desk. ‘I mean, Sammy’s really enthusiastic about all this. And I don’t like surprises.’

Bobby kept his eyes on the archangel then looked around in the study, but realized that it was no use to check his surroundings.

‘It must really suck when you have something like me in your presence and you don’t have anything remotely close to an efficient weapon, huh?’ Bobby didn’t answer. Gabriel sighed.

‘You know, I really hoped you wouldn’t give in to Sam’s paranoia. It was annoying enough with just him alone.’

Bobby seeing that there was not much he could have possible done, got a map out from under a book and tossed it down onto the desk right in front of the archangel.

‘Well, he doesn’t seem that paranoid to me now,’ he stated. Gabriel glanced down onto the map, then back at the hunter.

‘And here I thought that Sam would be the biggest pain in my ass,’ the angel told him. ‘I obviously got that one wrong.’

There was a long silence when neither of them said anything.

‘So what’s it gonna be?’ Bobby asked, his voice was hard and it didn’t betray the tension in him. ‘You gonna snap your fingers and I’m gone?’ he asked.

Gabriel snorted.

‘First of all, I think Dean would actually notice if you suddenly vanished into thin air,’ Gabriel started. ‘And I don’t really want him to worry his head about things like that unnecessarily,’ he finished with a smile.

‘And secondly,’ he continued, his voice still pleasant. ‘I’m actually really getting fed up with you people assuming that I can only solve things by resorting to sheer violence.’ He leveled the human with a look, but Bobby couldn’t actually read his expression. It wasn’t blank, but it was a gentle mask that didn’t betray any real emotion. ‘I’m much more resourceful than that.’

 

End of Story Five

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[PODFIC] Sum quod sum (I am what I am) by Scyllaya](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1467601) by [rippleeffect](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rippleeffect/pseuds/rippleeffect)




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